It Helps.

I woke up this morning, my head pounding, my stomach reeling; ready to gag. The nightmare had come again, but this time, it was too much like reality, making it worse.

It wasn't like I wasn't used to the white washed walls of the hospital, and the smell of too much sanitizer, but the pictures of my mother being carried away in a stretcher, unable to do anything but look at me, was WAY too close to reality.

Maybe because it is reality, idiot, I thought. It was true. Just a few days ago, that was the scene my eyes were witnessing, as I sat down on one of the numerous identical chairs of the hospital waiting room, as I waited for the doctors to come out and tell me it was nothing. As I waited for someone to say that Mom was fine, and that we could all go home, a happy family of four.

Sometimes, dreams don't come true.

Ovarian Cancer.

That's what they had said.

I had stood there, mind reeling, as the words floated in my mind, not really sinking in. Why...why did it have to be HER. I yelled at myself, as if it was suddenly my fault, like I could have stopped the cancer from entering her body if I had tried hard enough.

The bad thing about being smart though, was I knew there was nothing I could do, that it wasn't my fault, and that the only real thing I could do was to be there, and hope, and pray for her. To pray that the 55% chance she had of loosing her fight and leaving us alone in this world was no big deal... it was the 45% chance of a cure that mattered.

That was 4 days ago.

Today, I hoped, it would be different.

Today; the day that had started out with me getting out of bed, and falling right back down, passed out. Apparently, stress and too much worry can cause your head to hurt; like a cockroach had just nibbled out a part of your brain and left it all bloody and wounded, like there was a gaping hole in your head. Something i learned stress does to you; something I learned today.

And since we're talking about the list of what was learned today, might as well continue.

1. Apparently, ovarian cancer can equal a lot of tests, making a weak mother even more tired, and furthermore, equal a long day at the hospital while your missing school.
2. It`s hard not to cry when you look at your mother who is fighting for a second chance at life.
3. While your trying not to cry because of that, trying to give up on love, and guys, because you're only 14 years old and you're sick of falling in love and the idiot never realizing it, is pretty hard. Especially when that guy seems to make you cry even more.
4. & it's even harder to get over him although you just watched him and his girlfriend make out for 15 minutes straight at the school dance.
5. Being an optimistic child, is hard when you've got nothing to smile for.

Still typing, I smiled.

Listing out the stupid things, the depressing things that i "learned" (more like realized) today, helped. it was like a small load of the burdens of my life had been lifted.

Which leaves me to now.

Sitting here, writing this blog, because even though no one may ever read this, it helps.

Just to let go, and for once in my life, not to be the one that everyone can go to, to cry on her shoulders.

But to be the girl doing all the crying instead.

It helps.

It`s Not that Simple.

Current Song: This is my Now - Jordin Sparks
Current Mood: No freaking clue .
Current Colour: Navy Blue

How should I start? Where to begin?

This isn`t just another dumb blog.

In fact, this isn`t like most blogs at all. Though I wouldn`t know that for sure. I havn`t really read any, so I guess I`m being biased when I say that my blog, for some reason, is much more special than the other ones out there.

Come to think of it, a lot of people probably say that.

but really, this isn`t like most blogs, for all I know.

because everything , from tales of a love cynic, worries of an empathetic friend, fears of being a social outcast, and a scared daughter of a cancer fighter, are tales, from yours truly. Wait, let me rephrase. Not tales; more like true facts.

But even when it`s pouring rain, nothing can bring you down.

Cause life isn`t about blaming the storms, it`s about learning to dance in the rain.

Something I`ve began to learn.

I`m really bad at intros , and beginnings so that`s all I`ll say for today.

and to keep you hanging in there, here`s the start of a list; MY list.

Something i happen to feel strongly about .

Why guys can be so stupid (:

1. When a girl is madly in love with them, they NEVER seem to realize it.
2. Guys, let`s face it, until they`re at least 24, are players. When they know how to get a girl, they`ll do it for the fun of it.
3. & those who don`t know how to get a girl? Run after her like shes a missing Pokemon card, that they have to get...failing to realize how much of dork they really look like. It`s High school. Let`s get real.

More later (:

love from ,
Jenna Rossity