It Helps.

I woke up this morning, my head pounding, my stomach reeling; ready to gag. The nightmare had come again, but this time, it was too much like reality, making it worse.

It wasn't like I wasn't used to the white washed walls of the hospital, and the smell of too much sanitizer, but the pictures of my mother being carried away in a stretcher, unable to do anything but look at me, was WAY too close to reality.

Maybe because it is reality, idiot, I thought. It was true. Just a few days ago, that was the scene my eyes were witnessing, as I sat down on one of the numerous identical chairs of the hospital waiting room, as I waited for the doctors to come out and tell me it was nothing. As I waited for someone to say that Mom was fine, and that we could all go home, a happy family of four.

Sometimes, dreams don't come true.

Ovarian Cancer.

That's what they had said.

I had stood there, mind reeling, as the words floated in my mind, not really sinking in. Why...why did it have to be HER. I yelled at myself, as if it was suddenly my fault, like I could have stopped the cancer from entering her body if I had tried hard enough.

The bad thing about being smart though, was I knew there was nothing I could do, that it wasn't my fault, and that the only real thing I could do was to be there, and hope, and pray for her. To pray that the 55% chance she had of loosing her fight and leaving us alone in this world was no big deal... it was the 45% chance of a cure that mattered.

That was 4 days ago.

Today, I hoped, it would be different.

Today; the day that had started out with me getting out of bed, and falling right back down, passed out. Apparently, stress and too much worry can cause your head to hurt; like a cockroach had just nibbled out a part of your brain and left it all bloody and wounded, like there was a gaping hole in your head. Something i learned stress does to you; something I learned today.

And since we're talking about the list of what was learned today, might as well continue.

1. Apparently, ovarian cancer can equal a lot of tests, making a weak mother even more tired, and furthermore, equal a long day at the hospital while your missing school.
2. It`s hard not to cry when you look at your mother who is fighting for a second chance at life.
3. While your trying not to cry because of that, trying to give up on love, and guys, because you're only 14 years old and you're sick of falling in love and the idiot never realizing it, is pretty hard. Especially when that guy seems to make you cry even more.
4. & it's even harder to get over him although you just watched him and his girlfriend make out for 15 minutes straight at the school dance.
5. Being an optimistic child, is hard when you've got nothing to smile for.

Still typing, I smiled.

Listing out the stupid things, the depressing things that i "learned" (more like realized) today, helped. it was like a small load of the burdens of my life had been lifted.

Which leaves me to now.

Sitting here, writing this blog, because even though no one may ever read this, it helps.

Just to let go, and for once in my life, not to be the one that everyone can go to, to cry on her shoulders.

But to be the girl doing all the crying instead.

It helps.